Not My Will.............

Well this week has been a little interesting to say the least.  A week ago, I didn't think that I would be sitting here describing my diagnosis with Bell's Palsy, but that is what life handed me. On Wednesday night, I started feeling "off," but just couldn't put my finger on it.  At dinner, I noticed that my food didn't have any taste; however, I decided I really wasn't that hungry.  Then, later that night, at small group my face felt really tight (like having a facial mask drying on my face) for just a quick second or two. I didn't think much of it, and by the time I got home I was exhausted and went to bed by 10 p.m. 

On Thursday, I woke up extremely early around 4 a.m. because of a storm, and by 5 a.m. I couldn't sleep so I got up, did my morning bible study, and decided to knock out a few work writing projects.  I ended up working for about 3 hours, and around 8:30 a.m. I decided that I needed to get ready for a client meeting I had at 10 a.m.   I kept touching my face and feeling something was off, but never looked in the mirror.  (I guess it was too early for me to think something was off....Ha!!)

When I went upstairs, I looked in the mirror and that is when I just about lost it.  My face was completely "off."  I noticed I couldn't smile on my right side, my eye brows were at least an inch different in height, and my eye lid was droopy.  I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and whispered  "I trust you Jesus.  I trust you."

I fought back tears and decided that since I had worked all morning, that I could go ahead and shower before heading to the ER.  My mind felt fine, it was just my face that was off.  I didn't know if I had had a stroke or something else, but knew a trip to the ER was a must.  And, last time I made a hospital visit (you can read about this here) I ended up staying three days, so I was going to be prepared. HA!!

Luckily, Matt was home that morning and he drove me to the hospital.  We didn't talk much on our drive, and it seemed like every song that came on the radio talked about trusting the Lord and that no matter what storms you were going through, He was in control. 

One of the songs that played during our drive - "I Am" by Crowder. 
God, is into the details, isn't He? 

When we arrived to the ER, my experience ended up being much quicker this time around.  Within 30 minutes I had been triaged, examined, and diagnosed with Bell's Palsy.  I had only heard of the disease about a year or so ago, when my sister-in-law had two friends diagnosed with it, but had NO idea what it was or how it was going to effect me. 

Bell's palsy is a paralysis or weakness of the muscles on one side of your face. Damage to the facial nerve that controls muscles on one side of the face causes that side of your face to droop. The nerve damage may also affect your sense of taste and how you make tears and saliva. This condition comes on suddenly, often overnight, and usually gets better on its own within a few weeks.

When I left the hospital, I called my mom to let her know, and also texted a few friends to ask for advice.  We ran to the pharmacy to pick up meds, and then headed home where I proceeded to spend the next few hours reading, researching, watching videos, and connecting with people on Twitter who were experiencing this disease right now too, all to get my game plan ready on how I was going to deal with this. 

Then reality set in when I realized this wasn't going to be gone in a couple of days.  It was going to be a month to four (4) months before my face would look and feel "normal" again.  I had so many insecurities and doubts come up, that I knew I had to deal with them head on. 

I had just started a new job, how would they react to seeing me everyday? Would they question why they hired me, and ask me to leave?

What about going out with my friends, could I enjoy laughing in public when I knew my face would look awkward or off? 

What about my husband?  I have to sleep with my eye all taped up, would he get tired of looking at me being all wonky after a few days?  

Fear, stress, discouragement, worry - they all decided to show up Thursday afternoon.  I decided the best thing I could do was to take a nap and just rest.   As, I went to sleep, I closed my eyes and whispered again, "I trust you Jesus.  I trust you."

I woke up about an hour later feeling great.  Yes, my face was still frozen, but my attitude was uplifted and my fears were all gone.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord would heal me in His time, and I knew that the only thing I could do was to embrace this journey. 

You see each day, I pray, "Lord, use me. Use my hands and feet to meet the needs of someone You want to bless today, use my mouth to encourage others that You want to lift up, use my skills and talents to bless my family, my friends and my work place, Use Me God. Use Me.  Not for My Glory, but for Your Glory Lord." 

And, when I realized that this was a way the Lord wanted to use me, I had an immediate peace.  This didn't happen to me to punish me or to hurt me.  No, the Lord allowed this to happen because He will use it for His Glory and to draw me closer to Him. 

A sweet friend of mine reminded me of Acts 5-7, were we are reminded of the GLORY God receives in suffering...the CHURCH grows, we grow and learn to exchange the spirit of heaviness for a garment of PRAISE!  

So,  I have a decision to make each day as I heal:

I have to decide that a positive attitude is much more attractive than a negative one. 
 

I have to decide that laughing at myself when I can't spit out my tooth paste or drink out of a straw without wearing what I am drinking is funnier than getting upset. 
 

I have to decide that taking the time to wear glasses and sleep with a patch over my eye, because I cannot blink out of my right eye, is better risking damaging my eye forever. So, I guess I need a pirate name! Ha!
 

I have to decide to encourage others is much better than talking about all my problems. 
 

I have to decided that I am really not in control at all, the Lord is, and through those decisions, I will recover and be a better person than I was a week ago, when I would have never imagined that I would be writing about my diagnosis with Bell's Palsy. 

Have a blessed weekend my friends, and remember, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Lots of Love,